In Episode 7 of Unseen but Not Untold: Overcoming Covert Narcissistic Abuse, Dr. Christine C. Zacharia MD, integrative covert narcissistic abuse recovery expert and board certified endocrinologist, explores the emotions that emerge following going no contact with a covert narcissist.
This episode is Part 1 of a two-episode miniseries (Episodes 7 and 8) within the podcast on this topic.
Stages of Grief: The Kübler-Ross Model and How It Applies After Going No Contact
Dr. Zacharia introduces a loose framework centered around Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross' model used to explain the stages of grief experienced in bereavement.
“These stages aren’t a rulebook—everyone’s experience will look slightly different—but it provides a helpful lens of what unfolds in your life after you go no contact with the covert narcissist.”
Survivors of covert narcissistic abuse endure a profound form of loss that closely mirrors the grieving process.
This loss includes the perceived connection they once believed they had with the covert narcissist—someone they viewed as family, a spouse, a partner or a close friend.
It also involves the loss of flying monkeys, individuals they once trusted and believed genuinely cared for them.
Most deeply, it includes the loss of self and identity that occurred within the relationship itself.
The first stage is Denial—the initial resistance to fully accepting what occurred. Survivors may deny that the individual was a covert narcissist, minimize harmful behaviors or dismiss what they endured as “not really abuse.”
The second stage is Anger—the emergence of righteous emotion that reflects repeated violations of boundaries, trust and emotional safety. This is often the point at which survivors begin recognizing that what happened to them was not acceptable.
The third stage is Bargaining—attempting to make sense of the betrayal through endless “what if” scenarios and mental replaying of events.
“What if I hadn’t given them so many chances?”
“What if I had spoken out sooner? Maybe my life wouldn’t look like this and the smear campaign wouldn’t have taken hold.”
The fourth stage is Depression—the profound sadness that settles in as the reality of the degree of loss becomes fully realized. Survivors grieve the loss of their relationships, reputation, career opportunities, financial stability, home and community. This stage reflects mourning the life they once believed they had.
The fifth and final stage is Acceptance—not excusing the abuse, but acknowledging the truth of what occurred. It is the recognition that the experience was indeed abuse and that healing now requires rebuilding a new life grounded in clarity, truth and self-reclamation.
“These stages are not linear. Some may surface all at once, others may come and go and some may feel absent entirely.”
Dr. Zacharia explains that this framework served as an important tool during the early stages of her own healing journey, helping her process the layered grief and betrayal she experienced.
Now, standing on the other side of this, I want to discuss the nuanced layers of emotion you may experience within this framework—tailored specifically to healing from covert narcissistic abuse.
Denial
Dr. Zacharia explains that although denial is often described as the first stage of grief within the Kübler-Ross framework, her own experience following no contact with the three covert narcissists in her life was far more nuanced.
“For me, denial was not the first stage of grief I experienced after going no contact with the covert narcissistic friends in my life.”
She shares that denial had already existed for years throughout her friendships because of the cognitive dissonance created within those relationships.
“In fact, denial spanned the entirety of my 23-year relationship with Levi and my 7-year relationship with Jessie.”
By the time she ultimately went no contact, she explains that she was no longer questioning whether those individuals were covert narcissists. Instead, the realization brought clarity because the fragmented pieces of her experiences had finally aligned.
“So when I did go no contact, I was not in denial about them being covert narcissists. I readily accepted it because the pieces finally came together.”
However, Dr. Zacharia reveals that denial manifested very differently in another deeply significant relationship in her life — the relationship with her father.
“Denial was the first stage of grief that existed for the first and most important covert narcissist in my life — my father.”
“Despite learning about covert narcissism 3 years ago and taking to social media to educate survivors on covert narcissism, I remained in denial of the reality that my father is a covert narcissist until the summer of this year.”
She emphasizes that this illustrates the immense psychological power of denial, especially when the relationship involves a parent or foundational attachment figure.
“That right there is the power of denial and why the framework I reviewed at the start of this episode can certainly apply to your situation depending on the nature of your relationship with the covert narcissist.”
Through this reflection, Dr. Zacharia highlights that healing after covert narcissistic abuse is rarely straightforward. The stages of grief may emerge differently depending on the role the covert narcissist played in a survivor’s life and the depth of emotional conditioning tied to that relationship.
Shock: When the Nervous System Collapses Into Truth
“The next stage of grief I encountered was shock.”
She explains that the realization was not merely emotional but deeply physiological, as though her entire body was reacting to the truth all at once.
“It felt as if an electric current ran through me from head to toe.”
In that moment, she understood that people she had trusted were not who she believed them to be. Alongside that realization came an overwhelming numbness and disbelief that left her feeling mentally and emotionally suspended in time.
“My nervous system scrambled to reconcile who I believed these people were with the reality of who they actually were.”
Dr. Zacharia explains that this internal disorientation was profoundly destabilizing because it forced her to confront the collapse of a reality she had spent years trying to make sense of.
“I still remember the moment I learned about the existence of covert narcissism — the moment the pieces of the puzzle finally came together.”
She reflects on the countless behaviors that suddenly made sense through this new lens:
“The incongruent words and behaviors.”
“The backhanded compliments.”
“The withholding.”
“The inability to be happy for me or celebrate my milestones.”
“The insulting ‘gifts’ behind closed doors.”
“The resentful and jealous being that appeared whenever something good happened in my life.”
“The constant gaslighting and blame-shifting.”
“The inability to take accountability for their actions.”
With this realization, the foundation of what she believed to be true collapsed all at once.
“Everything I thought I knew — about them, about those relationships — collapsed in an instant. What I believed to be truth was suddenly revealed as a lie. The floor beneath my feet had suddenly vanished.”
Dr. Zacharia explains that learning about covert narcissism forced her to confront a devastating truth: the relationships she once viewed as safe and genuine were built upon manipulation, resentment and emotional deception.
“In that moment of learning about the existence of covert narcissism, I finally understood that these people were never my friends. They were enemies in disguise.”
Fear and Hypervigilance After No Contact
Dr. Zacharia explains that following the period of shock, the next stage of grief she experienced was fear—specifically fear of retaliation after going no contact.
She shares that this fear was intensified by how deeply intertwined her relationships with Levi and Jessie were across multiple areas of her life, leaving no clear boundary between her professional and personal world.
“There was also fear of the fallout—both at work and in my personal life—because of how deeply intertwined those two covert narcissistic friendships were in my world. Levi and Jessie spanned multiple layers of my life, blurring the boundaries between my professional identity and my private reality.”
When that fear became reality, she describes a complete destabilization of her life experience, which she later came to understand as a turning point.
“And when that fear became substantiated, my entire life was flipped upside down. What was a living nightmare at the time God marked as the turning point of my spiritual awakening.”
The Body’s Response to Threat and Emotional Hypervigilance
Dr. Zacharia describes how fear after covert narcissistic abuse often extends beyond emotion and becomes embodied, altering how a survivor moves through the world.
“You also start to avoid places you once loved, walking past familiar streets with your shoulders hunched, your eyes scanning for signs of danger.”
Even ordinary sounds can trigger a heightened stress response, as the nervous system remains on alert for perceived threat.
“Even the smallest sound—a car door slamming, footsteps behind you—makes your heart race as if an imminent threat is around the corner.”
She notes that this response is especially intense in cases involving malignant covert narcissistic abuse.
“And if you’ve dealt with a malignant covert narcissist like I did, that fear is very real—and for good reason. You genuinely fear for your safety and even your life.”
“In episode 2, I shared the fear I experienced after going no contact with the malignant covert narcissist in my life.”
Fear, Loneliness and Spiritual Rebuilding
Dr. Zacharia explains that fear in this stage represents more than an interpersonal threat—it becomes a disruption in one’s sense of safety and trust in life itself.
“Fear is a violation of your sense of safety in the world—a disruption not just of relationships, but of trust in the goodness and order of life itself.”
She adds that fear often coexists with doubt and existential questioning.
“In this fear, you wrestle also wrestle with doubt—about God’s protection, your discernment and your ability to navigate future relationships without being hurt.”
The Emergence of Loneliness and Isolation
Alongside fear, Dr. Zacharia identifies loneliness as a core emotional experience in this stage of grief.
“What closely accompanied fear in my journey was loneliness.”
She explains that betrayal by covert narcissists can condition the nervous system to associate closeness with danger, even when logic suggests otherwise.
“Eventually, as this fear continues to fester, it transitions into hypervigilance, analysis paralysis of interactions and even avoiding connection altogether.”
Dr. Zacharia reflects on the deeper emotional impact of this isolation—the feeling of being unseen not only in the relationship itself but across her broader life experience.
“And the loneliness you experience in this moment is not just physicality of being alone—it’s also the ache of feeling unseen.”
She adds that in some cases, even family systems may invalidate or gaslight the survivor’s experience.
“And if your family is where you originally encountered the covert narcissist, they may even gaslight you about your experience. My father certainly did.”
Rumination, Faith and Spiritual Reconnection
In this stage, she describes how rumination becomes persistent and mentally consuming.
“And in this stage of loneliness, rumination becomes relentless.”
She recalls replaying interactions repeatedly in an effort to understand what she missed.
“I remember replaying every conversation, every interaction—dissecting them over and over in my mind.”
At its peak, this loneliness led her to question her path and relationship with God.
“At first, this loneliness felt like a test of faith. I found myself asking at the start of the journey, ‘God, am I meant to walk this path alone?’”
She explains that this experience eventually became an invitation toward spiritual grounding and reconnection.
“And while that feeling was real, it carried with it an invitation—to discover the strength and clarity that come from leaning on God and His angels.”
Through this process, she describes a renewed sense of spiritual support and connection.
“My relationship with God—and the constant reminder of His angels surrounding me—reassured me that I was never truly alone in this journey.”
Dr. Zacharia emphasizes that this sense of divine support was central to her healing process and remains a guiding force in her life.
“This is why I emphasize the importance of inviting God into your healing journey. He is a divine presence who never leaves, who has your best interests at heart and who will never betray you.”
She reframes her understanding of suffering through a spiritual lens, viewing it as part of transformation and purpose.
“God did not send the covert narcissist—Satan did, in an attempt to derail you from your life’s purpose.”
And she explains that, in her view, even painful experiences can serve a larger process of growth and boundary formation.
“He allowed it for a reason: so that you could transform pain into strength.”
Prayer as a Healing Practice
Dr. Zacharia describes prayer as a central pillar of her recovery, particularly when trust in people had been deeply fractured.
She emphasizes that prayer does not need to be formal or perfected to be meaningful. Even simple expressions, she explains, are enough to establish connection and support.
“Sometimes, prayer is simply saying, ‘God, I need You,’ or ‘God, this is too much for me to bear.’ And that is enough.”
Through this practice, she describes experiencing gradual emotional stabilization and renewed clarity.
“Through prayer and deeper connection with God, I felt supported, guided and protected—when I had nowhere else to turn.”
“Prayer is not a bypass around the pain. Prayer is the sacred space where the pain is transformed in a manner that transcends human understanding.”
Sadness and Grief After Betrayal
In this part of the episode, Dr. Zacharia reflects on what emerged after denial, shock, fear and loneliness—sadness and sorrow.
“Sadness and sorrow came next—not just for the people I once believed the covert narcissists in my life to be, but also for the version of myself that existed before the betrayal.”
“I found myself mourning the innocence, trust and sense of safety I once carried.”
Dr. Zacharia notes that for many survivors, this sadness deepens when they recognize that a parent or parental figure was the original narcissist in their life—shaping their earliest understanding of trust, boundaries and self-worth.
“And for most of you, as you do the healing work and come to realize that the first covert narcissist was a parent or parental figure in our formative years—someone who shaped how you understood trust, boundaries and your sense of worth—an added layer of sorrow emerges.”
She describes the emotional impact of this realization as profoundly painful and destabilizing.
“The moment you realize the very person who should have been protecting you was quietly dismantling you, piece by piece is heartbreaking.”
Dr. Zacharia reflects on the ideal role of a parent and the rupture that occurs when that role is violated.
“A parent should not feel threatened by their child. They should support and nurture the light they bear—not seek to destroy it.”
Through this stage, she emphasizes that grief is not only about the loss of relationships but also about the loss of safety, identity and the foundational assumptions a person once held about love and care.
Anger: The Breakthrough Moment
Dr. Zacharia points out that anger is the most profound and pivotal stage of grief in the healing journey after covert narcissistic abuse.
“This brings me now to the most profound and important stage of grief all of us encounter on this healing journey: anger. Raw, righteous and often terrifying anger.”
She explains that anger marks the collapse of denial and the emergence of truth.
“The moment anger arrives is the moment truth shatters denial. It’s when you no longer ignore the travesty of what happened in your life.”
For many survivors, she notes, this stage does not arrive gently—it erupts.
“And for many of us, when this breakthrough arrives, the anger doesn’t just trickle in—it detonates.”
Anger is the righteous response survivors experienced as a result of prolonged boundary violations.
“Anger is the soul’s response to the prolonged violation of your boundaries. It’s your nervous system finally exclaiming: 'what happened to me was not okay.'”
“This anger is proof that your fire is still alive.”
Layers of Anger in Healing
She outlines the many directions this anger can take as it surfaces in recovery:
"Anger that the covert narcissist tried to dismantle the life you built with your own hands."
"Anger at those who aligned with the covert narcissist without ever asking for your truth."
"Anger at someone who tried to shrink you because they felt entitled to your life, connections and resources."
"Anger at yourself, for not seeing it sooner."
"Anger at yourself for ignoring the accumulating red flags.”
And then, when the survivor thinks the moment of anger has passed, another wave arrives with a new series of angering moments. This includes anger directed inward toward oneself.
“Anger at yourself for trusting too much."
"Anger at staying as long as you did in the relationship."
"Anger at prioritizing everyone else’s false perception of the covert narcissist over that of your own."
"Anger for not respecting yourself to walk away from someone who was clearly abusive to you even if they weren’t to other people."
"Anger for overexplaining yourself to people who were committed to misunderstanding.”
She notes that the accumulation is often overwhelming.
“The amount of anger you experience as you heal from covert narcissistic abuse can take up a book itself because of how long and how much you put up with at the expense of your truth and yourself.”
Righteous Anger and Spiritual Context
Dr. Zacharia also places anger within a spiritual and ethical framework.
“Even spiritually, anger carries weight. Jesus expressed righteous anger on many occasions, including when He overturned tables in the synagogue in response to injustice.”
She defines anger simply and clearly:
“Anger is the body and soul’s way of saying: THIS IS NOT RIGHT.”
Conditioning, Suppression and Reclaiming Emotion
She explains that covert narcissists condition survivors to suppress anger entirely.
“This is what the covert narcissist feared you would realize. So much so that covert narcissists are experts at teaching you to turn anger inward.”
“They shame it. Minimize it. Pathologize it.”
Over time, this conditioning reshapes emotional expression:
“They train you to believe that your anger is the problem—when in reality, your anger is evidence of their mistreatment.”
Dr. Zacharia frames healing as the reclamation of emotional sovereignty.
“Part of reclaiming your emotional sovereignty is unlearning this lie and allowing yourself to feel anger without guilt or self-punishment.”
“Your anger is real, and deserves space.”
Early Conditioning and Emotional Suppression
She reflects on how this pattern often begins in childhood.
“If you had a covert narcissistic parent growing up, you likely learned early in life that anger isn’t acceptable, so you silenced yourself instead.”
She describes how suppression becomes a tool of control:
“And that silence? It’s the very weapon the covert narcissist used to maintain control in the relationship.”
Dr. Zacharia shares her personal experience:
“Throughout my life, I was shamed by my father and brother for expressing anger. It didn’t matter what I was upset about.”
“I was always met with: ‘You’re overreacting.’ ‘Calm down.’ ‘Stop making things worse than they actually are.’”
She explains how long-term suppression reshaped her beliefs about anger:
“Over time, I accepted the lie that anger made me ‘too much,’ and that silence would keep me safe.”
As she began healing, suppressed emotions resurfaced intensely.
“So when I began healing from covert narcissistic abuse, all the buried anger of 40+ years came boiling up—I was terrified.”
She describes the physical impact in the setting of her Graves disease diagnosis.
“I kept trying to swallow down the emotion… but the more I forced it down, the louder my body screamed. My hyperthyroidism flared up and my anxiety worsened to the point that I couldn’t avoid it anymore.”
Release, Integration and Transformation
Dr. Zacharia explains what finally allowed healing to begin.
“That’s when I finally stopped running and let it all out. I sat with the anger. I let it burn. I wrote it out. I cried it out. I screamed into a pillow…”
She reframes anger as protective rather than destructive:
“What I once feared wasn’t trying to destroy me. It was trying to save me—to remind me of my rights, my boundaries and my voice.”
She offers reassurance to listeners in this stage:
“Your anger is not the enemy. It is the part of you that not only survived, but finally recognizes just how deeply you were wronged.”
Anger as Fuel and Transformation
Dr. Zacharia explains that processed anger becomes a catalyst for growth.
“When it is truly felt, processed and honored, it becomes fuel. Fuel to reclaim your voice. Fuel to rebuild your boundaries. Fuel to step fully back into yourself.”
She describes it as a turning point:
“It serves as the catalyst for your greatest comeback—where you transform your pain into power, purpose and unshakable light.”
The Importance of Release and Emotional Balance
She cautions that unresolved anger can become harmful if it is not eventually released.
“Anger is an emotion to be felt, expressed and ultimately released. If anger is left unchecked for too long, it doesn’t just warm you—it consumes you.”
She emphasizes that prolonged anger can shift emotional identity.
“When anger is held onto indefinitely, it hardens your heart. It turns into resentment. And resentment is where healing stalls and victimhood takes root.”
Empaths, Narcissism and Emotional Distortion
Dr. Zacharia reflects on the emotional dynamics between empaths and covert narcissists.
“The covert narcissist and the empath are two sides of the same coin.”
She explains the divergence in how trauma is processed:
“The covert narcissist internalized their trauma and allowed it to fester… that unresolved pain became their new identity.”
“The empath, on the other hand, did the opposite. They overextended themselves trying to protect others…”
She warns listeners of the emotional risk of staying stuck in anger.
“If an empath remains in a prolonged state of anger, the side of the coin they’re on can begin to flip.”
Dr. Zacharia concludes the episode by grounding the listener in hope and resilience.
“Anger must be honored, felt, and embraced—but it must not become part of your long-term identity.”
“For most of you listening, I know this won’t be your path because you’re here. You’re listening. You’re seeking understanding, growth and truth.”
“The fire God placed inside you has not been extinguished by your pain. And it never will be.”