In Episode 6 of Unseen but Not Untold: Overcoming Covert Narcissistic Abuse, Dr. Christine C. Zacharia MD, integrative covert narcissistic abuse recovery expert and board certified endocrinologist, exposes the multi-layered betrayal associated with covert narcissistic abuse. In this space, she explores the awareness that arises as a vital part of the healing process.
"Beyond the obvious betrayals you experience directly from the covert narcissist and their flying monkeys, there are deeper, more personal layers including: betrayal of your intuition and betrayal of...your truth...These deeper, internal layers of betrayal are often the most devastating, because they come from the one person who should always have your back—you."
The Covert Narcissist Layer of Betrayal
“As I navigated my own healing journey in 2023, I began identifying the outermost layer of betrayal—the betrayal that came directly from the covert narcissists themselves.”
She explains that, as shared in Episodes 1–3, she encountered three covert narcissists over the course of her life, with the third being the most malignant.
The Collapse of Perception and Reality
Dr. Zacharia describes the moment of unmasking as psychologically destabilizing, as it fundamentally disrupted her understanding of what constitutes a good person.
“The moment I unmasked the covert narcissists in my life for who they truly were, it felt as if the rug beneath my feet had been pulled out from under me. The foundation of how I defined a good person was suddenly gone.”
She reflects on how she once relied on actions over words as a marker of authenticity, and how covert narcissism disrupts that framework entirely.
“I believed that actions mattered more than words when it came to determining authenticity.”
However, she explains that covert narcissists invert this expectation, presenting kindness and generosity in public while engaging in manipulation and cruelty in private.
“With covert narcissists, however, the dynamic is inverted. Behind closed doors, their words are unkind, manipulative and cruel—yet in public, their actions appear generous, compassionate and helpful.”
Secondary Gain and the Mask of Goodness
She notes that the realization of hidden motivation fundamentally alters one’s perception of people and society.
“The moment you realize that those public ‘good deeds’ are driven by secondary gain—by the need for supply, praise and admiration rather than genuine intention—the way you view people and society fundamentally changes.”
Dr. Zacharia explains that the mask is not static but gradually erodes over time.
“The truth is, the covert narcissist reveals glimpses of this reality periodically throughout the relationship—and more frequently the longer you remain entangled with them.”
“But the moment you know who they are—and they know that you know—the mask comes off completely.”
Jessie: The Unmasking of a Malignant Covert Narcissist
She recounts this dynamic most clearly through her experience with Jessie, a malignant covert narcissist.
“That is exactly what happened with Jessie, the malignant covert narcissist in my life.”
When full unmasking occurs, she explains, it is not that the person changes—but that illusion dissolves.
“When that complete unmasking occurs, the person you thought you were dealing with is no longer there—because that person never truly existed.”
Instead, she describes what was revealed as a constructed facade.
“What you were engaging with all along was a facade: a carefully constructed, humble-appearing, kind-seeming disguise used to cloak an evil, sinister being.”
She reflects on the emotional impact of this realization, including the recognition of hidden resentment and jealousy.
“Her permanent unmasking revealed just how much resentment, jealousy and vitriol she carried toward me throughout the relationship—all rooted in deep insecurity.”
Betrayal, Exploitation and Realization
Dr. Zacharia describes the moment of clarity as cutting and irreversible.
“The moment I fully realized how evil the person I had been dealing with all along truly was… I also understood just how deeply she had used me throughout the entire relationship.”
She explains that Jessie did not see her as a friend, but as both an opportunity and a threat.
“She never cared about me as a friend. She saw me not only as an opportunity—but as a threat she ultimately wanted to destroy.”
This realization extended to the social dynamics surrounding the relationship.
“Not only had I introduced her to someone I believed was my best friend but was yet another covert narcissist… I also advocated for her—never realizing that the entire time, she was operating as an enemy.”
She concludes this section by reflecting on a behavioral principle often embodied by covert narcissists.
“The phrase ‘keep your friends close and your enemies closer’ isn’t just a saying. For the covert narcissist, it is their personal operating principle.”
Levi: The "Best Friend" Covert Narcissist
Dr. Zacharia then turns to Levi, the second covert narcissist in her life, whose betrayal carried a different emotional weight due to the longevity of the relationship.
“That brings me to the second covert narcissist—Levi—someone who was in my life for twenty-three years.”
She explains that his betrayal was not immediately obvious, but accumulated over time.
“The realization of who he truly was hit even deeper than the betrayal from Jessie.”
Unlike Jessie’s overt malice, Levi’s betrayal was subtle and embedded in trust.
“He presented himself as someone who cared about me, someone safe, someone loyal. But behind that presentation, he was extracting supply and quietly weaponizing my vulnerabilities against me.”
“Everything I shared in trust became data. Everything I revealed in confidence became leverage.”
Because of his proximity to her entire life, the violation was extensive.
“Levi had access to every layer of my life.”
Dr. Zacharia reflects on the grief that followed this realization.
“What I eventually realized was that the person I believed to be my closest friend was the same sinister entity as Jessie—operating under a humble, unassuming guise.”
She notes that control was maintained through time and trust.
“His power over me came from time, from unlimited access and from deep rooted trust—something he didn’t deserve but I gave him time after time.”
Unlike Jessie, she never witnessed Levi’s full unmasking.
“Unlike with Jessie, I never saw Levi’s mask fully drop—because once I recognized him for who he was, I went no contact before that could happen.”
What followed was grief, not only for the relationship, but for the illusion of friendship.
“After going no contact, I ended up mourning, not the loss of our relationship, but the belief that someone who walked beside me for over two decades was never truly my friend.”
The Depth of Betrayal in Close Relationships
She reflects on how betrayal from a close friend reshapes a person’s entire understanding of safety.
“Betrayal from a best friend cuts differently. It doesn’t just fracture trust—it dismantles your sense of safety, your history and your understanding of loyalty itself.”
She emphasizes the depth of violation when vulnerability is weaponized.
“When someone knows your story, your wounds, your growth, your aspirations and your prayers—and still chooses to exploit that access—the injury goes far beyond disappointment. It is violation on the deepest level and it leaves an imprint on how you view any relationship moving forward.”
Returning to the Original Layer of Betrayal: Family
Dr. Zacharia explains that, as her healing progressed, she came to recognize that these betrayals did not begin in adulthood.
“But as my healing journey continued to evolve, I came to understand something even more foundational: these original betrayals did not begin in my friendships.”
“They began in my family. And that is the deepest betrayal of all of these outer layers—the realization I was raised by a covert narcissist, my father.”
She reflects on the impact of her father and mother in shaping her early identity.
“My formative years were greatly impacted by my father. He shaped how I viewed myself. His influence quietly molded how I learned to show up with others and how I came to view my own worth.”
“That dynamic was further compounded by my mother, an overt narcissist, whose need for control manifested in different but also damaging ways.”
Denial, Awakening and Reframing the Past
She shares that this realization was not immediate.
“It was something I remained in denial about until just six months ago.”
Dr. Zacharia describes the emotional difficulty of accepting this truth.
“I didn’t want to believe that the father I had looked up to for most of my life had intentionally gone out of his way to dim my light.”
However, acceptance ultimately created clarity and forward movement.
“But once I finally accepted this truth, I was able to move forward—fully with my life.”
Healing at the Root
She emphasizes that true healing requires tracing patterns back to their origin.
“This is why healing cannot stop at naming adult relationships alone. The roots go deeper.”
“When we are willing to trace betrayal back to its origins, we stop asking, ‘Why did this keep happening to me?’ and begin understanding, ‘What was I taught to normalize?’”
She encourages listeners to apply this reflection inwardly.
“And that distinction is important for you as you reflect on your own experience.”
The Nature of Covert Betrayal
Dr. Zacharia explains that betrayal rarely occurs as a single event.
“Betrayal from covert narcissistic abuse doesn’t just happen all at once. Instead, it unfolds slowly—through repeated boundary violations, escalating interference and subtle acts of undermining that become normalized over time.”
She describes how prolonged betrayal alters perception.
“When betrayal is prolonged, it stops feeling like an event and starts feeling like a condition and persistent state you’re living in.”
The Impact of Proximity
She emphasizes that the deepest wounds come from those closest to us.
“What makes betrayal so painful is not just the loss itself—it’s who the betrayal came from.”
She reflects on how proximity intensifies harm.
“When betrayal comes from someone you considered a best friend, a spouse, a mentor or parental figure, it strikes at the core of safety and trust.”
"Scripture captures this reality with piercing accuracy. As Psalm 55 describes, betrayal wounds most deeply when it comes from one who 'walked with me in fellowship.'"
When Betrayal Comes From Within: Judas and Jesus
“And when we examine covert narcissism… one of the most profound betrayals is that of Judas with Jesus.”
She explains the emotional resonance of betrayal from within one’s inner circle.
“That proximity is what made the betrayal so devastating—and it mirrors the covert narcissist survivor experience.”
She concludes by emphasizing how covert narcissists operate relationally.
“Covert abuse does not come from a distance. It comes from proximity—from our inner circle.”
The Next Layer of Betrayal: Flying Monkeys
Dr. Zacharia explains that the next layer of betrayal comes not directly from the covert narcissist, but from those who enable and reinforce the abuse.
She describes this layer as especially painful because it involves people once considered safe.
“This betrayal cuts even deeper than that of the covert narcissist. These are friends, family members, colleagues or community members you once considered safe. People you trusted. People you believed knew your character and understood your heart.”
Dr. Zacharia explains that covert narcissists rarely act alone, instead relying on others to carry out relational harm.
“Unlike overt narcissists, covert narcissists rely heavily on flying monkeys to carry out their abuse while keeping their own hands clean.”
“They outsource the damage to maintain their squeaky clean image.”
Smear Campaigns and Hidden Preexisting Bias
She notes that smear campaigns often reveal more than intended about the people who participate in them.
“What makes this layer of betrayal extra damaging is that it throws salt into already gaping open wounds.”
As the narrative spreads, she explains, patterns of alignment begin to surface.
“As the smear campaign unfolds, something even more disturbing is revealed. The people who align themselves with the covert narcissist without ever seeking your side of events are not acting in a vacuum.”
“Their willingness to accept a false narrative exposes pre-existing biases, resentment or dislike that had been present toward you all along.”
She emphasizes that the betrayal is not only about misinformation, but about selective belief.
“The betrayal, then, is not only about what was said—it’s about who chose not to question it.”
Dr. Zacharia reflects on how rapidly this dynamic expanded within her own life.
“In my case, this recruitment spread through nearly 90 percent of my social network.”
She explains that overlapping relationships created an illusion of validation.
“Because of the deeply intertwined nature of Jessie’s and Levi’s relationships, many people chose not to question the narrative simply because it was coming from two voices instead of one.”
“This illusion of corroboration made their lies appear even more credible.”
She notes that this dynamic was strategically used.
“Jessie used this to her full advantage.”
Professional Impact and Character Assassination
Dr. Zacharia describes how the smear campaign extended beyond personal relationships into her professional life.
“Beyond disrupting my social network, she also called into jeopardy the career I spent decades building.”
She reflects on the emotional weight of this betrayal coming from someone aware of her sacrifices.
“The irony of this coming from someone who fully understood the sacrifices, debt and years of dedication required to become a physician was not lost on me.”
She summarizes the combined impact of coordinated relational harm.
“Jessie and Levi’s coordinated effort with their flying monkeys cut even deeper than the direct abuse from the covert narcissists themselves.”
Isolation and Psychological Warfare
Dr. Zacharia explains the emotional consequence of widespread invalidation.
“In the midst of my character assassination, I felt profoundly alone and deeply misunderstood. And that was their goal—not just relational damage, but isolation.”
She describes how sustained narrative distortion impacts perception.
“When you are surrounded by voices that echo the same distorted story, discernment becomes harder to access.”
She reframes the survivor’s confusion as a predictable response.
“The confusion that follows is not weakness—it is the predictable outcome of sustained psychological and spiritual pressure from multiple avenues.”
Early Conditioning and Repetition of Old Wounds
Dr. Zacharia connects this experience to earlier relational dynamics.
“For many survivors, this layer of betrayal feels especially familiar because it mirrors something we experienced much earlier in life.”
She explains how early environments shape later vulnerability.
“The first experiences of being misunderstood, dismissed, or unprotected often came from family or parental figures.Those early dynamics quietly taught us what to tolerate, how to doubt ourselves, and when to stay silent.”
She notes how unresolved patterns resurface in adulthood.
“So when betrayal reappears later in life—through friends, partners or communities—it doesn’t just hurt in the present. It reactivates the past.”
The Turn Inward: Betrayal of Intuition
Dr. Zacharia explains in this next part of the episode that after external invalidation reaches its peak, the impact of betrayal begins to shift inward.
She describes how sustained social denial and isolation affect the mind’s need to make sense of conflicting realities.
“When your reality is denied by a group—when no one stands with you, when your truth is repeatedly questioned—the mind looks for resolution.”
“Over time, that resolution becomes self-doubt.”
When Doubt Replaces Intuition
Dr. Zacharia explains that this stage marks a critical psychological shift in which survivors begin questioning their own perception rather than the behavior of others.
“You begin to question not just the situation, but your perception of it.”
She identifies this as one of the most insidious consequences of covert narcissistic abuse.
“This is how betrayal at the hands of others slowly transforms into betrayal of your intuition—and eventually yourself.”
She emphasizes that this erosion of inner trust is not accidental, but strategic in effect.
“This betrayal of intuition is one of the most insidious layers of covert narcissistic abuse.”
Cognitive Dissonance and Split Reality
Dr. Zacharia explains how the dual presentation of the covert narcissist creates deep internal confusion.
“Despite the red flags, we begin to rely on the illusion the covert narcissist creates—and on the narrative others reinforce about who they are in our lives.”
She describes the core mechanism of this confusion:
“The covert narcissist targets you with subtle cruelty, manipulation and malice, while presenting grace, compassion and kindness to everyone else.”
She notes that this split in behavior destabilizes perception and self-trust.
“That split in behavior creates deep internal confusion.”
Self-Blame and Internalized Responsibility
Dr. Zacharia explains that when external validation is absent, survivors often turn inward in search of explanation.
“When someone appears loving to the outside world but harmful behind closed doors, the mind naturally turns inward.”
She describes the questions that begin to surface:
“You begin to wonder: What did I do to deserve this? Why am I the only one being treated this way?”
She emphasizes how this shift of responsibility is precisely what the abusive dynamic produces.
“And slowly, responsibility shifts—from the abuser to you. That’s exactly what the covert narcissist wants.”
Dr. Zacharia reflects on how intuition is gradually overridden through repeated exposure to manipulation and social reinforcement.
“Over time, we learn to ignore red flags. We silence our instincts. We compromise our authenticity in order to preserve connection.”
She explains that the damage is not caused by a single event, but by cumulative erosion.
“We believe the story being spun—by the narcissist and by the people around them—only to realize later that the greatest harm didn’t come from a single act of betrayal, but from the space where we slowly allowed our own light, voice,and boundaries to be diminished.”
Targeting Intuition and Discernment
Dr. Zacharia shares a personal reflection on how intuition itself became a focal point of attack.
“I was someone who openly prided myself on my intuition—so much so that it placed an even larger target on my back for the covert narcissists in my life.”
She explains that sustained psychological manipulation eventually disrupted her internal trust system.
“Through persistent gaslighting, blame-shifting and cognitive dissonance at the hands of three covert narcissists, that intuition was systematically dismantled until I no longer trusted myself.”
Manipulation of Reality and Perception
Dr. Zacharia describes how covert narcissistic abuse functions through persistent distortion of reality.
“This is exactly the terrain covert narcissists operate in. They repeatedly undermine your intuition and discernment to create doubt.”
She outlines the progression of that psychological state:
“Doubt breeds confusion and confusion makes control possible.”
Spiritual and Psychological Disorientation
She frames this dynamic as both psychological and existential in impact.
“This level of spiritual warfare disrupts your ability to see clearly and weakens your personal authority over your own reality.”
Dr. Zacharia illustrates the extremity of this manipulation through an analogy of denied reality:
“The covert narcissist’s manipulation is so effective that they can look you directly in the eyes while actively stabbing someone and say, ‘I’m not stabbing them,’ and convince you to doubt the heinous act that you are witnessing.”
“That is how mind-numbing their abuse is—it systematically dismantles your trust in your own perception of reality.”
The Final Layer of Betrayal: Betrayal of Self
“The betrayal of your intuition sets the stage for final and ultimate layer of betrayal: the betrayal of self.”
She emphasizes that this process is not sudden, but gradual and imperceptible in real time.
She explains that self-abandonment is not a conscious decision, but an adaptive response to sustained relational harm.
“You don’t wake up one day and decide to abandon yourself. You slowly adapt, adjust and dim your light in response to the covert narcissistic abuse.”
The Slow Conditioning of Self-Abandonment
Dr. Zacharia describes how covert narcissistic abuse reshapes behavior over time through repeated psychological conditioning.
“Covert narcissists condition you to do this through repeated gaslighting, blameshifting, withholding and differential treatment.”
She outlines the gradual behavioral changes that follow.
“Eventually you speak less often, celebrate less openly, shrink your opinions, edit your personality and feel shame in telling the truth.”
She reflects on how these shifts are initially misinterpreted.
“At first, these gradual changes feel like compromise.. Then peacekeeping.. Then an act of love.”
She clarifies the distinction between love and self-erasure.
“But this isn’t love. Love doesn’t ask someone else to shrink and abandon themselves.This is slowly poisoning yourself to death.”
People-Pleasing as a Survival Strategy
Dr. Zacharia explains that self-betrayal often manifests through people-pleasing behaviors.
“You internalize the belief that your truth, your boundaries and your authenticity are negotiable and less important than someone else’s.”
She identifies people-pleasing as one of the clearest expressions of this dynamic. She describes how it begins innocently before becoming a survival mechanism.
“It often starts innocently—wanting to be helpful, to be liked, to keep the peace.Over time, it becomes a survival strategy rooted in self-suppression—where the line between people-pleasing and empathy becomes blurred.”
She explains the internal distortion that develops.
“You begin to confuse your ability to care for others with your worth as a person, leaving you vulnerable to repeated exploitation.”
Dr. Zacharia outlines the cumulative cost of chronic people-pleasing.
“Each time you prioritize someone else’s comfort over your own well-being, you reinforce the message that your needs and boundaries are optional.”
Why Covert Narcissists Target Empaths
She explains why this dynamic is particularly vulnerable to exploitation.
“This is exactly the framework where covert narcissists attach.They are instinctively drawn to people-pleasers—and they will cultivate people-pleasing tendencies in highly empathetic individuals.”
Dr. Zacharia describes how quickly this pattern is identified and exploited.
“Covert narcissists immediately recognize who will accommodate, over-function and absorb manipulation without resistance.To them, a people-pleaser is an abundant source of supply that is emotional, psychological and material.”
She explains that control is often unnecessary when boundaries are already weakened.
“When boundaries are already weakened, control doesn’t need to be forced. They simply take as long as you are willing to give.”
“Once self-abandonment takes hold, you are no longer walking in your truth, authenticity, autonomy or power. That, right there, is the ultimate betrayal. Betrayal of your very essence.”
She reflects on how this pattern unfolded in her own life and how the third and most malignant covert narcissist was able to take hold in her life relatively easily.
“When I reflect on this now, it’s not surprising that Jessie was able to embed herself in my life so easily. I had already been worn down by two covert narcissists before her over the course of 34 years.”
Transformation Through Awareness
She notes the covert narcissist's presence in one's life is not accidental but instructive.
“The other part lies in the lessons about ourselves they are forcing us to learn—and that is what this podcast is all about.”
Dr. Zacharia reframes the healing journey as one of transformation.
“We are learning how to transmute our pain into power and purpose. Not only will we never allow another covert narcissist or toxic person to take hold in our lives again, but we also emerge stronger than ever by working through past wounds and trauma.”