In Episode 8 of Unseen but Not Untold: Overcoming Covert Narcissistic Abuse, Dr. Christine C. Zacharia MD, integrative covert narcissistic abuse recovery expert and board certified endocrinologist, continues reviewing the emotions that emerge following no contact with a covert narcissist. This episode is the second installment in this two-episode podcast miniseries.
From Anger to Disgust: When Clarity Becomes Physical
The emotion Dr. Zacharia left off with in episode 7 was anger. This buried emotion erupts during the healing stage that follows no contact. What follows next is something often unexpected.
“Anger often gives way to an unexpected emotion: disgust.”
At first, this disgust is directed outward toward the covert narcissist.
"Initially my disgust was focused on the covert narcissists themselves - their lack of remorse and their lack of repentance."
The disgust that begins to surface is not just emotion, but the survivor's full recognition of their calculated and sinister nature.
"The most nauseating part of this behavior is that the covert narcissist pretends to be kind and good while leaving destruction in their wake.”
Disgust Turns Inward: When Self-Reflection Becomes Uncomfortable Truth
For many survivors, disgust does not stay directed outward. It turns inward.
“Two years into my healing journey, I remember just how disgusted I was with myself as well.”
This is where awareness deepens into self-confrontation.
“I was disgusted by how far I had lowered my standards to maintain relationships with people who did not have my best interests at heart.”
These realizations often trace back to early conditioning.
"I was disgusted by the backseat I had taken in my own life—allowing others to lead and valuing their thoughts over my own. This pattern had been ingrained in me from childhood."
"My parents made it clear that my ideas weren’t worthy of acknowledgment and even shamed me on numerous occasions. I was trained to look to my younger brother for answers, as if my own thoughts were never enough."
This pattern did not end in childhood. It followed Dr. Zacharia into adulthood. Invalidation was a familiar feeling for her and this familiarity became tolerance of this behavior in her adult life.
"It’s no surprise that this pattern followed me into adulthood. Levi routinely invalidated my thoughts, asking what others in my life thought instead. And when their opinions didn’t align with mine, he reinforced the contradiction."
"Over time, this chronic invalidation slowly eroded my sense of self-worth and autonomy. I no longer trusted my own voice. It took the onset of Graves’ disease—an undeniable rebellion of my throat chakra—to finally say: enough is enough."
This is where disgust becomes undeniable. Not because of just one event but cumulative transgressions against herself.
“I was deeply disgusted by all these levels of betrayal I had committed against myself.”
Disgust as Awakening: Seeing What Was Previously Normalized
Dr. Zacharia moves on to reflect on the difficult realization that many of the relationships she accepted in her adult life were rooted in emotional imbalance and quiet hostility.
“I accepted relationships with people who clearly misunderstood me, felt threatened by my happiness, were unsettled by my success and were quick to cut me down on a regular basis.”
The episode highlights how covert narcissists often exploit empathy and understanding, especially in individuals who are conditioned to see the good in others at all costs. As Dr. Zacharia explains:
“I made endless excuses for their negative behavior—attributing it to difficult upbringings or personal struggles. I focused only on the good in others.”
Her tendency to overlook red flags became a vulnerability narcissistic individuals in her life were able to manipulate in their favor.
“They knew I would overlook warning signs, forgive slights and continue giving long after someone with healthy boundaries would have walked away.”
While deeply uncomfortable, Dr. Zacharia highlights the emotional stage of disgust as transformative rather than destructive. The realization of what was tolerated, ignored or sacrificed can feel overwhelming at first but is also the catalyst for change.
“That disgust, as painful as it is, becomes fuel. It’s the fire that lights the path to reclaiming your boundaries, your self-respect and your autonomy.”
The Gear Shift Into Guilt: When Self-Protection Feels Like Wrongdoing
After disgust, Dr. Zacharia explains feelings of guilt can emerge next.
Sometimes immediately. Sometimes delayed. Sometimes not at all.
“After going no contact with Jessie, the guilt never came. Her full unmasking revealed something undeniably malignant—something dark and deeply demonic. And Levi’s complete entanglement with her and the threats for revenge he made during our friendship made it clear that going no contact wasn’t just necessary, it was protective."
"That decision to go no contact with them brought me an immediate and profound sense of peace worth all its weight in gold."
Biblical Context of Honor, Boundaries and Emotional Responsibility Within the Family System
In contrast, Dr. Zacharia's sentiments toward going no contact with her family was far more complex.
“With my family, it was different. The lines weren’t as clear. The darkness was more covert. And that’s where the guilt crept in—because spiritual warfare isn’t always obvious when it comes to family.”
Dr. Zacharia defines guilt as an internal emotional response tied to perceived wrongdoing or failure to meet expectations.
“Guilt is an emotional response that arises when we feel we’ve done something wrong, failed to meet expectations or betrayed a sense of duty. It often comes from internalized rules that tell us what is ‘right’ or ‘expected.’”
She highlights how this emotion can become especially intense when individuals make the difficult decision to choose themselves.
“The challenging part is that guilt can appear even when we’ve acted in our own best interest, when we’ve set healthy boundaries and walked away from toxic people.”
As Dr. Zacharia explains, this guilt is often deeply overwhelming and destabilizing in the aftermath of separation. She describes how this emotional state triggers self-doubt and rumination, leading individuals to question their decisions and minimize past harm.
“You replay everything and wonder: 'Was it really that bad? Should I have just endured it?'”
“You start doubting yourself, asking, 'Am I selfish? Am I wrong for choosing myself?'”
Dr. Zacharia further notes that much of this guilt is rooted in early conditioning, patterns learned in childhood to prioritize others at the expense of self.
“A large part of that guilt comes from being conditioned at a young age to put everyone else’s needs ahead of your own.”
This conditioning is often intensified within family systems where long-standing patterns of self-abandonment become normalized.
“When you’ve spent years swallowing your words, silencing your needs and slowly losing pieces of yourself just to keep the peace, that kind of self-abandonment becomes baseline.”
The episode also addresses the spiritual and cultural dimensions of guilt, particularly beliefs that frame separation from family as morally wrong. One of the most well-known moral frameworks that often comes to survivors’ minds is the Ten Commandments. The fifth commandment in Exodus 20:12 (NLT) states:
“Honor your father and mother...”
Dr. Zacharia contrasts this interpretation with the understanding that boundaries are not harmful or sinful in the setting of manipulative behavior. She reinforces this perspective with the following reflection:
“But protecting your well being is not a sin. Choosing distance when your boundaries are repeatedly violated is not a moral failure. There is nothing holy about self-betrayal and there is nothing righteous about staying in spaces that slowly destroy you.”
She supports this statement with biblical verses that emphasize parental responsibility and emotional care within family systems. She highlights Ephesians 6:4 (NLT):
“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.”
She also references Colossians 3:21 (NLT):
“Fathers, do not aggravate your children or they will become discouraged.”
Together, these passages underscore a broader biblical theme: that honoring family does not include tolerating harm. This principle applies both ways and is supported biblically, as Dr. Zacharia highlighted. Emotional or psychological mistreatment is incompatible with the responsibilities within the family system, whether enacted by a parent or a child.
Guilt in this case is not evidence of wrongdoing but as a conditioned response that surfaces when individuals begin reclaiming autonomy and step out of long-standing patterns of self-abandonment.
"The Bible warns parents that their actions can embitter their children and cause them to lose heart. God does not minimize the emotional impact of psychological abuse. God protects the vulnerable, not enables harm. He opposes injustice within families just as much as He opposes it anywhere else."
When Guilt Is Rooted in Conditioning and Self-Abandonment
In this section of the episode, Dr. Zacharia explores another painful dimension of guilt that emerges after going no contact: the conditioning imposed directly by covert narcissists themselves.
She explains that covert narcissistic dynamics create an expectation of endless emotional availability, regardless of the personal cost to the individual involved.
“Another layer of guilt comes from what you internalized from the covert narcissist themselves. They expect you to always be there, no matter what. They didn’t care if you were hurting or struggling—they only cared that you remained available for them when they needed you.”
Dr. Zacharia reflects on her own experience navigating trauma, chronic illness and emotional abandonment during one of the most difficult periods of her life:
“I remember the pain and isolation I felt after the smear campaign, leaving my job in academic medicine and dealing with uncontrolled Graves disease while processing trauma on my own.”
She shares that despite the severity of her emotional and physical suffering, the support she expected from family never came.
“Through it all, my family—who by societal and cultural standards were supposed to care—offered no emotional support. They didn’t acknowledge my pain. They didn’t provide comfort. I was simply there for them, as I had always been, while my own needs went unseen and unvalued.”
Dr. Zacharia also discusses the emotional invalidation she experienced at the hands of her covert narcissistic father when she was particularly vulnerable.
“In fact, I was gaslighted by my father about it.”
The episode then turns toward the spiritual clarity that ultimately influenced her decision to go no contact. Dr. Zacharia explains that despite the intense guilt surrounding the choice, she was guided by God and the angelic realm to recognize the necessity of leaving this dynamic behind.
“But God and Archangel Michael made it clear: it was time to leave. They helped me understand that my decision to stay would have been purely for their benefit and completely to my detriment.”
For Dr. Zacharia, that realization marked the beginning of reclaiming her identity and autonomy after years of self-sacrifice.
“And it was in that truth that I finally began to reclaim my life, my voice and my self-worth.”
She reminds listeners that the decision to go no contact is not impulsive. Rather, it is the result of repeated boundary violations, chronic emotional dismissal and years of self-abandonment.
“You didn’t suddenly decide to go no contact. That moment didn’t appear out of nowhere. It came after boundaries were crossed over and over after your voice was ignored, dismissed and disrespected numerous times—too many to count on both hands and feet.”
Ultimately, Dr. Zacharia frames no contact not as rejection, but as a profound act of self-preservation and self-love.
“It arrived the moment you said no more—no more being the sacrificial victim, no more living solely for others, no more taking a backseat in your own life just because of blood ties.”
"It came when your self-love became so deep, so unshakable, that it surpassed the weight of time, family and expectation."
Depression, Grief and the Sacred Work of Restoration
Dr. Zacharia moves on to discuss the stage of depression that often follows guilt during the healing journey.
She describes this phase as emotionally consuming and deeply disorienting.
“Following this period of guilt, depression often sets in next. It can feel like a heavy fog—dense, slow and inescapable.”
Dr. Zacharia emphasizes that this painful emotional state is also evidence that genuine healing has begun.
“As painful as it is, this stage of grief is also a sign that real healing has begun. It signals that the deeper work of reclaiming your self worth is finally underway.”
This section of the episode highlights how grief is unavoidable after the end of a covert narcissistic relationship, whether the survivor was discarded or made the choice to walk away.
“Whether you were discarded by the covert narcissist or made the decision to go no contact, a period of mourning is inevitable. The life you once knew no longer exists. The future you imagined has shifted. And that loss deserves to be grieved.”
Dr. Zacharia also discusses how smear campaigns and betrayal expose the reality of one’s previous relationships and support system.
“As difficult as it is to acknowledge, the smear campaign often reveals the truth about who in your life genuinely had your back—and who did not.”
While painful, she explains that these revelations ultimately bring clarity.
“The covert narcissist inadvertently did you a favor by revealing who never really had your back.”
For many survivors, however, this period involves profound isolation and the loss of entire support networks.
Dr. Zacharia validates the depth of that experience.
“Many survivors of covert narcissistic abuse lose their entire support network. The grief that follows is real, valid and profound.”
She explains that depression during this stage is rarely straightforward. Instead, it often involves contradictory emotional experiences occurring simultaneously.
“You may feel loneliness, emptiness and loss, yet at the same time, bursts of relief and freedom appear—coexisting with deep sadness.”
The episode also examines the emotional exhaustion caused by prolonged covert narcissistic abuse. Dr. Zacharia describes the chronic psychological and spiritual depletion survivors often endure before no contact.
“Before going no contact, your life was weighed down by the emotional, psychological and spiritual drain of the covert narcissist—the constant manipulation, the hidden cruelty, the subtle attacks that left you depleted and disoriented.”
She further characterizes the relationship dynamic as one that slowly erodes identity and vitality over time.
“You were entangled with an energetic vampire that sapped your energy, your joy, your very sense of self.”
The silence that follows separation eventually creates space for spiritual reconnection and restoration.
“Now, in this period of silence and isolation, that drain is gone. And in its absence, God’s presence becomes undeniable.”
Important Message About Depression and Seeking Help
Before moving on to the next stage of grief, Dr. Zacharia emphasizes the importance of recognizing when additional support is needed during the healing process.
“While it is important to surrender the process of healing to God, it is also important to recognize when professional help is needed.”
She explains that grief-related depression can be a normal and natural response to trauma and emotional loss.
“Grief-related depression is normal and a natural part of processing trauma, and some people even find benefit in enrolling in therapy during this period.”
However, Dr. Zacharia stresses that severe depression should never be ignored and that seeking professional support is essential when daily functioning becomes impaired:
“It is absolutely critical to seek professional help if your depression becomes severe—if you are unable to get out of bed, leave the house or function at work or school. A licensed mental health professional can guide treatment and provide support.”
She also offers a direct message to anyone experiencing thoughts of self-harm or suicidal ideation.
“If you ever have thoughts of harming yourself, please go to the nearest emergency room immediately.”
If you are in emotional crisis or experiencing suicidal thoughts, please seek immediate support from a licensed mental health professional.
If you are based in the U.S., you can also call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. Support is also available online at 988lifeline.org. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger or at risk of suicide, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room immediately for evaluation and support.
Acceptance, Awakening and Reclaiming Your Power
As the conclusion of the episode Dr. Zacharia explores the final stage of grief following covert narcissistic abuse: acceptance.
Dr. Zacharia clarifies that acceptance does not mean excusing abuse or pretending the pain did not exist.
“Acceptance doesn’t mean that what happened was okay. It doesn’t mean you minimize the abuse or pretend it didn’t leave scars.”
Instead, she describes acceptance as the ability to face reality without self-blame or emotional resistance.
“What it means is that you acknowledge reality as it is—without resisting it, wishing it were different or blaming yourself for what happened.”
Dr. Zacharia explains acceptance is a transformative act of liberation because it requires releasing false hope about who the covert narcissist could have been.
“It’s the moment you stop trying to reconcile your expectations of how the covert narcissist ‘should have been’ with how they actually were.”
She reassures listeners that this stage involves accepting difficult truths, including the reality that the apologies and accountability survivors hope for from the covert narcissist will never come.
“You accept that they will never change, that the apologies you longed for will never come and that their behavior reflects their own dysfunction—not your worth.”
Dr. Zacharia reminds listeners that no contact is an act of courage rather than abandonment. She explains that healing begins when survivors stop grieving what could have been and start intentionally rebuilding their lives.
She further emphasizes that acceptance creates the emotional clarity necessary to establish stronger boundaries and healthier relationships moving forward.
“You reclaim your energy, your boundaries and your sense of self without guilt.”
Dr. Zacharia also explores acceptance on a deeper spiritual level, describing it not as passivity or resignation but as truthfully confronting lifelong patterns and recognizing how empathy and loyalty were exploited.
“Acceptance is not passive. It is not resignation. It is the willingness to look at the full truth—where the patterns began, how they repeated and why they felt so familiar.”
She remind survivors that they were targeted because of their empathy and inner light.
“You were targeted by something so evil and sinister because of your light.”
“The enemy does not waste resources on those without purpose.”
Recognizing this reality shifts survivors out of helplessness and into personal authority.
“Once you see this clearly, you are no longer a passive observer in your own life.”
She concludes by describing acceptance as the beginning of empowerment and transformation rather than the end of the story.
“This is where your uprising begins—where the pain you endured becomes the very ground for a comeback that weathers all elements.”