In Episode 11 of Unseen but Not Untold: Overcoming Covert Narcissistic Abuse, Dr. Christine C. Zacharia, MD, integrative covert narcissistic abuse recovery expert and board certified endocrinologist, addresses one of the most emotionally charged and spiritually distorted concepts in healing: forgiveness.
- Important note: this blog offers only a partial reflection of the depth explored in this episode. The full discussion is deeply theological and philosophical in nature. The complete episode should be listened to in order to fully understand the nuances surrounding forgiveness within the context of covert narcissistic abuse and spiritual warfare.
Dr. Zacharia starts the episode by explaining the concept feels activating the moment it is spoken. It has been misrepresented, weaponized, forced and spiritually distorted.
Before offering any interpretation, she provides an immediate and direct clarification for survivors who tensed up at the thought of forgiveness.
“Forgiveness is not about minimizing abuse, excusing harm, forgetting what happened or staying silent.”
“Forgiveness is not about letting the covert narcissist off the hook for what they did to you or allowing continued access to someone who violated your boundaries and sense of self.”
This distinction is central to the episode’s foundation. Forgiveness is not presented as proximity, reconciliation or tolerance.
Dr. Zacharia reclaims the concept of forgiveness from distorted spiritual conditioning that has historically been used to keep survivors bound to unsafe dynamics.
“Forgiveness does not require proximity.”
The episode explicitly challenges interpretations that equate forgiveness with continued access to harm.
It also establishes that much of the confusion around forgiveness stems from religious misuse and narcissistic distortion within spiritual systems. The intention behind this episode is restoration of truth.
As Dr. Zacharia states in the episode:
“God has asked me to speak on this topic—not to pressure you, not to shame you—but to restore understanding of what forgiveness TRULY means.”
The teaching is positioned as spiritually grounded discernment rather than inherited doctrine.
“Everything I am sharing with you has been questioned, analyzed and discussed with God on a microscopic level—it does not reflect something I heard from someone else’s interpretation of scripture.”
The episode is intentionally framed as clarity rather than coercion:
“The purpose is to give you clarity—not confusion—and certainly not to add to your exhaustion.”
The Definition of Forgiveness
The episode begins with a grounding reference point outside of theology or religious interpretation - the dictionary.
"The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines the word forgive as to cease to feel resentment against someone; to stop being angry with someone.”
This definition is used to strip away distortion and return forgiveness to its simplest form: emotional release.
The episode emphasizes what is intentionally not included in that definition.
Forgiveness is not forgetting.
Forgiveness is not reconciliation.
Forgiveness is not permission for harm to continue.
It is solely the cessation of resentment.
Anger and Its Role in Healing
The episode then reconnects to earlier teachings on anger as part of the healing process.
Anger is not framed as dysfunction or spiritual failure.
Instead, it is validated as righteous response.
“The anger you feel is not wrong. It’s not sinful. And it’s not a sign that you’re failing spiritually.”
Even Jesus expressed righteous anger:
“Even Jesus expressed righteous anger—He flipped tables in the synagogue when He was upset by what He was seeing.”
The episode reframes anger not as something to eliminate, but something to understand.
“It’s the anger that was silenced, minimized and punished every time you tried to speak your truth.”
This anger is described as functional—it reveals boundaries, loss and violation.
“It reminds you of what you will never tolerate again. It reminds you of what you lost.”
However, the emotional trajectory of unprocessed anger is also addressed.
“When anger is held onto for too long, it doesn’t stay as anger. Anger hardens into resentment. And resentment, over time, turns into hatred.”
Hatred and Spiritual Separation
A central spiritual principle is then introduced:
“Where love doesn’t exist, God cannot dwell.”
This becomes the theological pivot of the episode—distinguishing emotional processing from spiritual entrapment.
Forgiveness is reframed as protection of spiritual alignment.
"But here’s the part that’s important to understand. When anger is held onto for too long, it doesn’t stay as anger. Anger hardens into resentment. And resentment, over time, turns into hatred. And hatred is inhospitable to love. Where love doesn’t exist, God cannot dwell. And that’s where forgiveness begins to matter—not as obligation, but as protection."
Living in a state of hatred separates one from God, the eternal source of love, hope and restoration.
This is why forgiveness matters—not for the narcissist, but for you.
Jesus’ teaching in Matthew 5:21-22 (NLT) is referenced at this point in the episode:
“You have heard that our ancestors were told, ‘You must not murder. If you commit murder, you are subject to judgment.’But I say, if you are even angry with someone, you are subject to judgment!"
The episode clarifies that this is not condemnation of anger itself, but the trajectory of unresolved emotional states. Unprocessed anger becomes resentment. Resentment becomes hatred.
Hatred reflects spiritual disconnection from God.
Lived Experience: The Reality of Forgiveness Under Covert Narcissistic Abuse
Forgiveness was not a foreign concept to Dr. Zacharia. It was familiar, structured and repeatedly reinforced throughout her upbringing.
“I was raised Catholic and forgiveness is a concept I heard from a very young age.”
From early on, she understood forgiveness but within a defined relational boundary:
“I understood forgiveness as giving someone pardon in the eyes of God—but not necessarily keeping them in my life.”
In earlier life contexts—smaller relational wounds, misunderstandings and situational conflicts—this framework functioned without much internal conflict for Dr. Zacharia.
But everything shifted in the context of covert narcissistic abuse.
For the first time, what she experienced was not surface-level relational harm. It was soul-level disruption.
The covert narcissistic abuse she experienced at the hands of Levi and Jessie did not remain contained within emotional discomfort—it expanded into multiple layers of her life, including her health and career.
“The trauma they inflicted affected me at my very core — so deeply that it impacted my health, my world view and my direction in life.”
At this stage of healing, forgiveness was no longer conceptual or abstract.
It became physically felt resistance within the body.
Even the physical proximity of Jessie's home across the street embedded Dr. Zacharia in this trauma loop.
“Every morning, when I looked out the window of my home, the first thing I saw was the building Jessie lived in.”
What should have been a neutral environment became a repeated activation trigger, interrupting baseline regulation before the day even began.
"Every morning, at the start of my day, my healing journey was interrupted by the reminder of the deep level of pain and disruption she caused in my life out of spite, jealousy and resentment. And when you’re trying to heal, starting your day like that is equivalent to a scab being repeatedly torn off before it can do its work."
There was no emotional neutrality in the early stages of healing—only cycles of reactivation.
Dr. Zacharia describes the layered emotional states that followed:
- emotional numbness as protective shutdown
- anger as immediate boundary response
- sadness tied to identity loss
- fear linked to perceived ongoing surveillance by Jessie
And beneath all of it, shame became a persistent internal overlay.
The shame was not self-generated—it was reflective of external narratives that often follow covert narcissistic abuse:
“Just get over it.”
“Why are you still so affected?”
“Why can’t you forgive and move on?”
These internalized statements did not originate from healing. They originated from distortion.
And they functioned to redirect attention away from the wound itself.
This is where Dr. Zacharia explicitly reframes the emotional response of forgiving the covert narcissist:
“Your emotional reactions are not evidence of weakness. They are evidence that you’ve been deeply wounded and emotionally gutted from the inside out.”
In this state, forgiveness cannot function as a simple cognitive decision.
The system attempting to forgive is simultaneously still operating in survival physiology.
Dr. Zacharia describes to listeners how she began cluttering her view with plants to build a physical barrier to her pain.
"I started buying more plants. And let me tell you—every time I went to Trader Joe’s in that season of pain, I came home with another plant."
"And even though I genuinely loved plants and they had a purifying presence especially in an urban setting, I had no real reason to have that MANY of them in a smaller space. I was physically building a barrier between the peace of my sanctuary and the pain Jessie and Levi caused in my life."
While Dr. Zacharia had consciously chosen to forgive according to what she understood forgiveness to mean at the time—a dictionary-level definition centered on releasing anger—the emotional activation resurfaced during a later stage of healing. This occurred when she began decluttering the view from her home, including the once-obstructed view of Jessie’s building.
"When I started to declutter my space, the anger I thought I had released came rearing its ugly head. The more plants I removed, the more the view of Jessie’s home became unobstructed. The more the barrier broke down between the peace of my sanctuary and the reality of the toll she had taken on my life."
This is where the episode transitions into a deeper interpretive layer of healing:
What appears as the “return” of emotion is not regression.
It is incomplete integration revealing itself through environmental and emotional triggers.
This lived experience becomes the foundation for why forgiveness cannot be reduced to a single act or moment of decision.
"In fact, this happened after I did an entire video on social media earlier this year about the importance of forgiveness and releasing the anger. And in that moment, I felt God’s voice clearly whisper: You haven’t learned the complete lesson yet. Because if I had, decluttering my space and seeing her home again would not have triggered me the way it did."
It must account for:
- soul level damage and restoration
Only when this is acknowledged can the later theological framework of forgiveness be properly understood in its full depth and function.
"Because covert narcissistic abuse doesn’t just hurt your emotions. It wounds your spirit. It damages your identity. It fractures your sense of self on a soul level. And until I addressed that soul-level damage, forgiveness could not fully take root."
Dr. Zacharia references Proverbs 4:23 (NLT) to reinforce this important point:
“Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.”
"Your heart posture creates your reality. Where your heart is, your mind follows. And if your heart is wounded, your mind will remain stuck in the trauma. So the soul layer is where forgiveness has to begin. Once I began tackling the soul layer first, everything else began to follow."
Trifecta of Forgiveness
The episode then segues into what Dr. Zacharia refers to as the trifecta of forgiveness.
"So you may be wondering? Well how do I tackle the soul layer?"
"This is where what I like to call the trifecta of forgiveness comes in: Making a conscious decision to release the anger, handing over the reins of the covert narcissist’s debt to God and renewing your connection with God the creator for soul level nourishment."
"If even one of these pillars is missing, the covert narcissist remains energetically tied to you even if they are not physically present in your life."
"You can release anger—but if you don’t release the debt, you stay locked in a spiritual battle with the covert narcissist energetically. You can release the spiritual debt to God—but if you don’t reconnect with God on a deeper level, the soul remains undernourished. You can renew your connection with God—but if anger is unresolved, the heart closes off to love - the space in which God exists."
Spiritual Debt, Jesus and Forgiveness
After explaining the trifecta above, Dr. Zacharia explores the meaning of spiritual debt.
"So what do I mean by spiritual debt? Let’s dig deeper. Narcissists — like Satan — have no intention of repaying what they’ve stolen. They will never fully acknowledge the harm they inflicted in your life. They will never repent or take accountability. They will never pay back the emotional, spiritual and psychological drain they exacted from you."
"If you keep trying to force repayment — trying to release the anger in your own strength — you will stay trapped in a spiritual battle with them because the debt has not been handed over to God."
"Because forgiveness — in the God-centered sense — means you let go of the anger, renew your connection with Him and hand the debt over to God. And by handing over the debt, you release the burden of justice back to Him."
This is the pivotal moment in Dr. Zacharia’s healing journey when the concept of spiritual debt completely reframed her understanding of forgiveness, sin and ultimately, why Jesus had to die on the cross.
After explaining the spiritual framework surrounding debt and forgiveness, Dr. Zacharia traces the origin of spiritual debt back to the moment sin entered humanity through Satan’s deception of Adam and Eve.
This was the moment separation between humanity and God began — creating a debt humanity could never repay on its own.
"God, who is pure and holy, could not fully connect with creation that had become impure because of Satan introducing sin."
She explains that Jesus came to bridge the separation sin created between humanity and God. His sacrifice was not merely symbolic; it became the payment for a spiritual debt humanity itself could not satisfy.
“He came to save us from the barrier that sin created between humanity and God.”
Dr. Zacharia emphasizes that understanding forgiveness requires understanding the backstory behind it in more detail.
“Now stay with me, because this is where the story of Adam, Eve and Satan applies when it comes to spiritual debt.”
She further explains that even the meaning behind Jesus’ name reflects this purpose.
"Jesus’ name literally means 'the one who saves.' Jesus Christ means Jesus the Messiah, or Jesus the Anointed One — the one chosen by God to rescue us and restore our relationship with Him."
In John 14:6 (NLT), Jesus reinforces the identity and truth of his mission:
“I am the way, the truth and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me.”
This understanding ultimately answered a question Dr. Zacharia says she carried for 43 years: Why did Jesus have to die on the cross for humanity’s sins? If He is God, why come in human form at all?
The spiritual debt introduced by Satan into humanity required a perfect payment humanity itself could never provide.
“Jesus took on the spiritual debt that Satan created — a debt we could not repay.”
“A debt intentionally designed to separate us from God.”
In this framework, God entered humanity through Jesus — God the Son — becoming the sacrifice necessary to restore what sin had fractured.
“So God took on human flesh as Jesus, God the Son, becoming the sacrifice — the perfect payment for a debt we could not cover.”
The Story of Adam, Eve and Satan: A Biblical Framework for Understanding Narcissism
Dr. Zacharia draws a powerful connection between the biblical story of Adam and Eve and the dynamics of narcissistic abuse.
Satan did not enter the garden through force or overt aggression. Instead, he used manipulation — planting doubt and reframing God’s intentions in order to distort truth.
“He came to manipulate them into believing God was withholding something from them.”
She explains that Satan’s strategy was rooted in deception. His goal was to make Adam and Eve question God’s goodness, authority and motives.
“He wanted them to question God’s goodness and authority.”
Dr. Zacharia compares this directly to the behavior of covert narcissists, who often rely not on obvious hostility, but on confusion, emotional manipulation and psychological distortion.
“They don’t come at you with obvious aggression.”
“They come at you with deception, confusion and manipulation.”
Using this framework, narcissistic abuse mirrors the same tactics introduced in the Garden of Eden: destabilizing truth, eroding trust and causing victims to question themselves, their reality and even their relationship with God.
“They make you question your reality, your worth and even your relationship with God.”
She emphasizes that the tree itself was never the true issue. Rather, the deeper issue was deception — the enemy’s ability to distort truth and undermine what God intended for humanity.
Dr. Zacharia points to Genesis 3:1–6 (NLT) as the moment Satan first introduced manipulation by reframing God’s instructions. Here is an excerpt from this passage in the Bible:
1 “Did God really say you must not eat the fruit from any of the trees in the garden?”
2 “Of course we may eat fruit from the trees in the garden,” the woman replied. 3 “It’s only the fruit from the tree in the middle of the garden that we are not allowed to eat. God said, ‘You must not eat it or even touch it; if you do, you will die.’”
4 “You won’t die!” the serpent replied to the woman.
5 “God knows that your eyes will be opened as soon as you eat it, and you will be like God, knowing both good and evil.”
Dr. Zacharia explains that Satan subtly twisted God’s words in order to portray boundaries as oppression rather than protection.
“Satan wanted them to believe God was trying to control them.”
According to Dr. Zacharia, this reflects the same dynamic often seen in narcissistic relationships, where healthy boundaries are reframed as punishment, love is distorted into control and truth becomes manipulated for power.
“They distort truth.”
“They reframe boundaries as punishment.”
“They turn love into control.”
The decision Adam and Eve made introduced spiritual separation into the world.
“And when Adam and Eve chose separation over communion, a spiritual debt entered the world.”
She then connects this concept to ancient Jewish sacrificial traditions, explaining that a spotless lamb symbolized innocence and purity brought before God as atonement.
“Blood had to be shed to bring us closer to God.”
“Blood represents life and life is the only payment that can satisfy death.”
Satan’s introduction of sin created a barrier between humanity and God — one humanity could never remove on its own.
“So God had to pay the debt Himself.”
She emphasizes that God’s response was not approval of evil or excusing Satan’s actions, but an expression of unconditional love for humanity.
“Not because He agreed with what Satan did.”
“But because God loves us unconditionally and deeply.”
This, she explains, is why God took human form through Jesus Christ.
“Jesus became the sacrificial Lamb so the debt could be paid.”
Dr. Zacharia reviews how Jesus’ sacrifice was an act rooted entirely in love, restoration and reconciliation with humanity as a whole.
“Because we are His children.”
“Because He loves us unconditionally.”
“Because He wants us close to Him.”
Dr. Zacharia also points out that this gift was not limited by denomination, background or belief system.
“And independent of your religious background or belief system — He died for all of humanity.”
“That is a gift beyond measure.”
Application of Genesis to Covert Narcissism and Forgiveness
“And so my point in sharing this biblical backstory — God versus Satan, good versus evil — is this: The concept of forgiveness extends beyond simply releasing the anger. It is also about releasing the debt — the debt of the covert narcissist.”
She emphasizes that covert narcissists do not operate with accountability, repair or repentance, which leaves survivors carrying unresolved debt.
“Because covert narcissists — just like their prototype, Satan — have zero intention of repaying what they’ve stolen. They will never fully acknowledge the harm they caused in your life. They will never accept accountability for their actions. They will never repent for the devastation they’ve wreaked in your life.”
From this perspective, forgiveness is reframed not as excusing behavior but as relinquishing the internal burden of repayment and justice back to God.
“So God is asking us to release the debt so He can absolve it. Not because the covert narcissist deserves mercy. Not because the covert narcissist is innocent. But because God wants to take care of justice Himself — because this is a battle He alone can settle.”
She then connects this to the original narcissist, Satan. Satan represents the archetype of pride, deception and domination.
“This spiritual warfare dates back to Satan’s rebellion against God, when he tried to elevate himself above the Creator. He was cast out of heaven by Archangel Michael and now exists in a state of permanent separation from God."
"That rebellion is the origin of the very spirit of narcissism that still operates in the world today — self-centeredness, pride, deception and a desire to dominate others."
"Satan’s spiritual agenda is to steal, kill and destroy - and he uses narcissistic manipulation to accomplish it.”
At the same time, she stresses that justice is not absent simply because it is not immediate or visible.
“God is not ignoring the injustice. He is not ‘turning a blind eye.’ He is allowing the truth to be revealed and He will ultimately bring justice in His perfect timing.”
A major emphasis in her message is the psychological and spiritual danger of allowing resentment to become a permanent internal state. She frames this as a shift that can gradually reshape a person’s emotional and spiritual identity.
“God wants us to stop fixating on the anger and pain the covert narcissists caused in our lives because He doesn’t want it to harden our hearts into resentment — and eventually hatred."
"If we stay trapped in hatred and resentment, we begin to mirror the energy of the covert narcissist who hurt us.”
“Once hate takes hold, you become separated from God. He wants you to continue operating from a place of love — your core essence. Not hatred. Not bitterness. Not revenge. Love.”
Forgiveness is NOT Reconciliation
The episode then transitions to a critical distinction in this entire framework: forgiveness is not reconciliation.
Forgiveness is internal. Reconciliation is external.
One is a release of emotional burden. The other requires truth, accountability and safety.
“One releases anger before it turns into resentment and eventually hatred. The other requires truth, accountability and safety.”
This distinction is essential because many survivors were conditioned to confuse forgiveness with restoration of access—especially in environments where spiritual language was used to bypass accountability.
"Without those three ( truth, accountability and safety), reconciliation is not just unwise — it’s dangerous. Covert narcissists do not operate from truth. They do not accept accountability. They do not respect boundaries or safety."
Paul discusses spiritual warfare in Ephesians 6:10–18 (NLT) and cautions believers to wear the full armor of God at all times:
“For we are not fighting against flesh and blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world…put on the full armor of God so that you can stand your ground…stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist…”
Forgiveness as Protection, Not Permission
The episode then clarifies one of its most essential distinctions:
"Forgiveness is protection. You do it while maintaining boundaries.You do it while staying safe.It’s about freeing yourself from the energetic claim they have on your soul. Not letting them back in again; God wants you to walk in peace, freedom and love. Because where love exists, there you will find God."
Divine Justice
Dr. Zacharia emphasizes that forgiveness does not eliminate justice or negate accountability. Releasing the “debt” of the covert narcissist is not an act of dismissal, but an act of surrender—transferring responsibility for justice to God rather than carrying it personally.
“And here’s something important to recognize about forgiveness: handing the covert narcissist’s debt over to God does not mean justice won’t be served. Justice will come. And by giving the reins to God, you allow Him to do it in His perfect timing.”
She anchors this understanding in scripture, referencing Paul’s teaching in Romans 12:19 (NLT) as a foundational principle for releasing the desire for personal revenge.
“Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God…”
Within this perspective, forgiveness is reframed not as excusing harmful behavior, but as relinquishing the burden of repayment and retribution.
“So when you forgive the covert narcissist, you are not canceling out justice or karma. You are simply saying, ‘God, I’m done carrying this. You take it from here.’”
Dr. Zacharia clarifies that this process does not minimize harm or deny truth of what occurred. Instead, it separates acknowledgment of wrongdoing from the emotional and spiritual weight of carrying it.
“That’s why forgiving the covert narcissist is not letting them off the hook."
She describes forgiveness as a transfer of responsibility—moving justice from human effort into divine jurisdiction.
“You are doing something far more powerful: You are letting God handle it.”
Dr. Zacharia cautions listeners that attempting to enforce justice through personal emotional entanglement can create prolonged suffering.
“If you keep trying to force repayment of this in your own strength, you will remain trapped in a cycle of entanglement that dates back to Satan himself — something only God can handle.”
Returning to Self, Returning to God
Dr. Zacharia teaches that once the decision to forgive is made, using the trifecta she mentioned earlier in the episode, it becomes a turning point for personal restoration. Forgiveness is not an endpoint of suffering, but the beginning of reclaiming focus, identity and emotional stability.
“And once you make that powerful decision to forgive, you can now redirect your focus and energy back into yourself - rebuilding your life this time on a solid foundation: one forged with indomitable self-love, an unshakable sense of self worth and intransgressible boundaries.”
She emphasizes that forgiveness is ultimately intended as a gift for the person releasing the debt, not for the one who caused harm.
“God gave us the gift of forgiveness for our benefit, not that of the covert narcissist.”
To illustrate what forgiveness looks like in its truest form, she points to the example of Jesus during His crucifixion. Jesus did not deny the reality of harm, but responded from a place of strength rather than retaliation. When Jesus forgave, He didn't deny the harm. In Luke 23:34 (NLT) Jesus states:
“Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing.”
Dr. Zacharia points out to the listener, in the moment Jesus said this, He was enduring extreme physical and emotional suffering—yet still chose forgiveness over resentment.
“He was nailed to a cross. He was bleeding. He was suffering. He was betrayed. He was mocked. He was abandoned.”
Despite this, she explains that His forgiveness was not rooted in weakness, but in clarity and spiritual strength. He perceived those harming Him as spiritually blinded rather than fully aware of their actions.
“He saw that the people hurting Him were spiritually blind — trapped in deception and sin, controlled by a dark force they didn’t understand.”
From this perspective, forgiveness does not mean excusing wrongdoing or denying truth. Instead, it represents a conscious release of the burden of justice.
“It doesn’t say, ‘What you did was okay.’ It doesn’t deny the pain. It doesn’t ignore the truth. It doesn’t mean reconciliation.”
Rather, she defines forgiveness as an intentional surrender:
“I see the situation for what it is…and I’m not going to carry this burden anymore. I’m handing it over to God. I’m letting Him take care of justice.”
She then turns the message toward those struggling with ongoing anger or emotional entanglement, offering forgiveness as a pathway out of internal captivity.
“So if you’re listening today and you feel trapped in anger, bitterness or hate — know this: you don’t have to stay there. You can release the debt. You can hand it over to God. And you can choose love.”